As I'm Leaving
by Katherine Cruz
Summary: Carly has no reserves left...Told in Carly POV. Set during Jason and Brenda's trail.


**As I'm Leaving **

by Kat Morrison

**As I'm leaving**

**A change comes on my eyes**

**These streets persuading me **

**With mumbles strange goodbyes**

"I swear to you, it meant nothing."

I let out a laugh, meeting his eyes for the first time that night. My breath catches as it always does when I look at him. His eyes are red, pain and regret shining in them. And something more. Guilt.

"Yes it did." I say. "Or you would have told me."

"I didn't think it was worth mentioning. It wasn't important enough."

I look at my hands, fiddling with my nails. "It was important to me."

_/"Tell us, Mrs. Barrett-Morgan, is it true that you and were intimate while the two where stranded on the island with Luis Alcazar?" _

_"No! Sonny and I never..." _

_"Did or didn't Mr. Corinthos kiss you?" _

_"I...well..." _

_"I object. Your honor, this line of questioning has no significance on the case at hand." _

_"I disagree, your honor. I believe what happened on that island could very well be a motive for Mrs. Barrett-Morgan." _

_"Objection overruled."_

_  
"Your under oath, Mrs. Barrett-Morgan. Yes or no. Did Sonny Corinthos kiss you?"_

_"I don't see..."_

_"Just answer the question!"_

_"Yes, all right!!! Sonny and I kissed." /_

I still feel that same sickness in the pit of my stomach. I can remember the mummers that filled the courtroom. I met Jason's eyes briefly. He seemed to shake his head. He thought I'd create a scene. I wasn't going to. Scottie had been counting on it, I knew that.

I could feel Sonny's eyes on me but I refused to look at him. I just needed to get through the rest of the day and I would be fine. It had been a blessing when the judge dismissed the courtroom ten minutes later.

Sonny had reached for me then and I stepped around him, needing to get home. To the privacy of my walls where I could let myself feel the pain. I had moved past the reporters with their million questions without difficulty. Thank god for Johnny.

Not waiting for anyone, I asked the driver to take me home. I just wanted to be home.

The people in the lobby seemed to stare but I had kept my head up. Once inside the penthouse, I sat down on the couch, waiting for the tears, the pain, the rage.

But there was nothing.

**And through the water**

**Through the ring**

**To the soul of everything**

**Throw my heart out**

**On the stones**

**And I'm almost gone **

He'd rushed in the door a few seconds later, relief filling his dark eyes when he'd spotted me on the couch.

That was when he apologized and I realized that deep down I had known. I always knew.

"I can't change what happened, Carly."

I smile a little and tilt my head to stare up at him. "I know."

His eyes mist over and my heart aches for him. He sits next to me and takes my hand. "I never meant to hurt you."

"I know that too." I whisper, placing my hand over his.

**And there's no meaning**

**In clothes and coffee cups**

**Cheap hotel furniture**

**Where silence never ends**

He looks at me now. He knows something's changed. "Are you...leaving?"

And I am but not the way he means. I could never walk out on him. I would never be one of the people that puts that look in his eyes. I understand that fear of being left and I love him too much to hurt him like that.

"I know you said that you had nothing more left..." I can hear the hope in his voice that maybe it wasn't too late.

I wish I could say that to him. I wish I could reassure him.

But I can't and I won't.

"I meant it Sonny." He catches his breath and I look at him. I let him look at me for the first time. Really look at me. "It hurts too much. I can't stay waiting for you to figure out how you feel."

He starts to protest but I hold my hand up. "No more words. It's worse when you** try **to reassure me. When you tell me that you choose me." I look at our joined hands. "There shouldn't even have to be a choice."

"There isn't." He whispers softly and I smile, meeting his eyes again.

"You are a good man, you know that? That's what I always loved most about you. That great beautiful heart of yours."

His eyes close momentairly and my face crumbles for a second. This was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

**And through the water**

**Through the ring**

**To the soul of everything**

**Throw my heart out**

**On the stones**

**And I'm almost gone **

"So, is this...it. Are you...saying...what? You're done." He chokes out the last part.

I put my head on his shoulder, letting myself enjoy being in his arms one last time. "I'm saying I'm tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of hurting. Tired of waiting to be important enough. Tired of loving you more than you love me."

He gives a start. "I do lo-" He sees my face close up and cuts off abruptly. He hangs his head. "So, where does that leave us?"

**And now I'm dreaming **

**I'm staring at the walls**

**At cars all frozen now**

**In late night waterfalls**

I let out a sigh. "Where we've been for the past few months. Watching out for each other. Raising a son. Sharing a friendship."

He snorts and I smile at him. "Sonny."

He looks at me.

"You will always have my friendship. When I had nothing, you gave me everything." I take his hand and raise it to my lips, kissing his knuckles softly. "When I was in the worst pain of my life, you, you were my rock. You helped me heal. I owe you my life Sonny."

He touches my face. "Do you love me?"

I look away and nod. I would always love him but it hurt too much now. I needed time. Time to heal the pain in my heart. Time to feel again. Time to **allow** myself to love him again. Somewhere in all of this, my heart had closed and it needed time to open once more.

"I just need some time." I look back at him and I can see he knows what I'm feeling. I know he loves me. I'm just not sure if I believe it.

He releases my hand and removes his from my face . We stand and face each other. I nod to the stairs. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

He nods and I can feel him watch me as I'm leaving.

"Carly?"

I pause and glance behind me.

"See you in the morning?"

I smile through tears. "See you in the morning."

**And through the water**

**Through the ring**

**To the soul of everything**

**Throw my heart out**

**On the stones**

**And I'm almost gone **

**Lyrics: As I'm Leaving by David Gray**

Well, how'd you all like my very first short!!! This darn thing as been swirling through my head for awhile. Feedback to please. And hey if I get enough perhaps I'll be persuaded into doing a sequel. LOL!!!


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